dude. i was so high. i watched shrek in russian.
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".
Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
door buzzer is fixed. took shots with Latvian electrician to celebrate. nice guy. he is gonna bring mixers next time cuz kombucha didn't really cut it for him.
Second time this week margarita night turned homoerotic
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
I'm highly inebriated watching star wars, this text was sent via the force
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