Then he told me I had the most beautiful looking vulva
i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"
did you yell "are you not entertained?"
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
He offered me a trade. He'll come sober to my parents 25th anniversary dinner if I let him tie me up for an hour.
Update. bondage is a lot harder than it looks.
I was so ripped I had a natty light box over my head carrying a spray bottle out in the streets trying to give car washes.
When she said "Tighten your safety belt and hold on!", that should have been a clear sign to me that one should never go off-roading in a rental car. On the bright side, they were able to tow her car out the next morning.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
Randomize
