Awkward medical moment of the day: A very obese girl with a disorder that literally makes her hit herself punched herself in the face. Literally. While screaming 'MCDONALDS MONEY'. Right. Beside. Me.
she looked me in the eyes and called me a poet because i was singing lady gaga, then she fell over...
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.
He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
I think I'm still high. And I definitely still smell like lobster, so there's that
The man who almost made us Eskimo sisters is getting married. Of course I'll be your date. We need to toast the end of his sex life!
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
Dude. I’m playing chess through iMessage with a stripper. What has my life become.
Why do we always have to be the people who get blamed for animal intoxication incidents?
In this house, we have but one simple rule: DONT FUCKIN TOUCH MY STUFF OR I'LL CUT YOUR NECK IN UR SLEEP
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
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