You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I'm drinking away my Christmas cash. People are going to get bar receipts as presents.
Katy Perry is on a Proactiv commercial. That "I kissed a girl" shit is so much less hot now.
You turned to me, asked if I was having fun yet, and then threw up onto my jeans. Thanks for the awesome first time partying experience
you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.
You brought out the iron board layed it on the ground in the middle of everyone and passed out for the night
I'm now at that point where it just feels natural to do a few shots of whisky with breakfast and then head to work
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire
being pregnant is like rehab
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
you ass-dialed me while you were fucking my ex.
that was on purpose.
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
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