you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
well..after leaving the bar you handed me your wallet and said you didnt need it cause you were going to find the cash cab and added 'i'll see you on tv'
operation have a gay friend backfired
The guy in front of me in lecture is using a fifth of smirnoff as a water bottle.
Nevermind, it's not water.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.
It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
It's true. There would need to be A LOT of data collection. Aka, dick-catching. I volunteer as tribute.
Just peed on the front lawn of the capital building. Great American.
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
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