I am puke
I just saw the girl you left with - Chris Hansen's looking for you
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
She wants to practice her harmonica skills on my penis
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Yeah when I texted her last night the only response I got was "stoned eating cobbler."
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
So the same great-aunt that told me to freeze my eggs for procreation just told me that I should strut around the dance floor b/c I'd get picked up.
I need to meet your family.
So. Much. Porn.
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