Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
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just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
The bag I'm bringing home for the weekend: a change of clothes, workout shoes, and sex toys, that's it.
In hindsight following that black guy in the ghostbusters costume was a terrible decision on everyone's part
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i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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