The pirates hijacked 3 more ships today!!
we need a boat to join in
Obama is on top of it we'd get killed within mins, but we'd live in legend foreva
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
Tried to eat a chip. Mouth wouldn't cooperate. Nearly died. Wow I've missed this.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Last I remember we played rock paper scissors for who would fuck the guy with cowboy boots on and I won..
You know our reunion in two weeks shall be a drunken bikini clad magical adventure right
I forgot to tell you, wear something you can puke on Saturday. We're christening this marriage with a shot of jager. NOT KIDDING.
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
I just want to have sex that doesn't end like a B-rated horror movie.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
So I'm buying milk, bread, yogurt & lube. Not awkward at all
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