thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.
stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
Please don't tell me that blonde guys name is Matthew I won't be able to fuck a guy with my brothers name
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
Puked up breakfast after doing my first minze shot in a while, but that shot was to Trump losing the election, so it's all good.
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