I just found out I have a small penis.
Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Too late. I'm going over there. I'm a bad example for all women: Do as I say, not who I do.
I wish I could have two rating systems on iTunes. "This one is a 5 star. This one is only a 5 star when I'm baked."
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Until then we have the self affirmation from retweets and nights alone with pizza..
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Just had to read the instructions to my microwave. How am I so high?
We have sober sex! It's a real relationship.
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
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