So...i'm having a drinking contest, my right hand vs my left, i have a feeling the 24 pack is gonna win
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
idk, it started getting weird when they were looking up videos of lesbian giraffes
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
I work nights. I sleep in. I take online classes. And fuck bad bitches. I'd say those are some perks to grad school.
Instead of a fine and a few hours in jail he chose to get tasered, break his neck and shit his pants
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
HE TALKS ABOUT HIS DICK IN THIRD PERSON ABORT MISSION ABORT FUCKING MISSION
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
I have wine with a bendy straw bitches I can do fucking anything
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