I printed and framed a picture of a seagull shitting, and hung it in my house. I'm waiting to see how long it takes everyone to notice.
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
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