1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said
We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.
Dude, its January.
We're going to do the voices too.
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
I'm so high I would give anything in the world to be inside my lava lamp right now
My mom just gave me my fake back to buy her more wine.
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
WHY DID HE INTRODUCE ME TO HIS MOM? CAN'T HE JUST HIDE ME LIKE EVERYONE ELSE I'VE EVER DATED?@!
I need to immerse myself in a tub of peroxide to kill whatever traces of him are on me.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
Randomize
