6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
I got my nipple pierced! I love it so much!
Well, there goes breastfeeding.
My balls are so social today.
Roman Polanski is more welcome at my daughter's birthday party than you are at that bar
You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.
All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
FYI If I die in my sleep it is because I drank a bottle of coke from 1986. I needed a mixer
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Nothing motivates a person to clean their apartment like puking up cheese ravioli beer-tequila chicken wings for eight hours.
Completely unrelated and mildly related, a guy I hooked up with last year in a threeway died, his obit photo was his Grindr photo
Could be all of this cough syrup, but I’m ready to fuck 2018 up!
My dad is clearly baked off his ass. He almost sat on moms cat in front of her, zoned out while staring at it and said he wondered what it was thinking about. Now he's dragging everything from the livingroom into the garage. Moms not happy.
Randomize
