His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.
The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.
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Imagine Captain Hook, but in penis form and sometimes shy.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
We had sex on the tiger blanket while I was wearing my Ukrainian shirt and my ass touched the Ukrainian flag. Happy 25th Ukraine!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
Best and worst whiskey dick ever. I am hungover and can't move from the hours of sex, he on the other hand has a raw bruised dick. I win.
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
I just slept for fifteen hours straight. It's like my body knows i'm drinking with you and is preparing..
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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