if she shaves her mustache, i'll let her give me head
God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
He had an itunes playlist named "def not Glee season 1" which contained all of Glee season 1
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
The Vegas crew is in two groups, Team Vodka and Team Fireball. There is no winner in this.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
Other than the whole stab wound in my leg thing, today was pretty good. The nurses all loved me and gave me a sandwich and juice.
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
