Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
I can't get into him, he looks really young. I'd feel like I was blowing the Gerber baby.
how do I set my phone to only ring when I'm asleep when sex is certain?
the cashier at riteaid just made the sign of the cross before he rang up my pregnancy test. now i know god is on my side
You came in at two thirty, wearing your underwear and a tie then asked where you could find a sombrero and a pair of stilletos that would fit your men's size thirteen feet.
Help. Me. He just whispered 'prepare yourself', & sprayed hairspray everywheres to make sure the 'air was crisp'
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.
Is it weird that the girl he dated after me had a child with him and it has my name? I think it means he's not over me. Or I'm really self absorbed...
You know the cave of wonders in Aladdin? That's how I feel about his apartment. Except with blow and other treasures.
This medicine is making me nuts. I just woke up and I thought I was in a glass case with Asians staring at me.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
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