Did you REALLY have to twitter about our sex last night?
he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
It'd probably just be a lot of profanity and hyperventilation and deteriorating into tears anyways
so just a regular conversation then
strip vodka pong is never a good idea. I saw into his colon when he picked up the ball off the floor
Ran out of eye drops right after putting them in one eye. Half baked at work.
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
He apologized for cumming on my leg, but not for ghosting me for 3 weeks before :(
She said "Im going to hug you" tried to give me a hickey then said her life sucks and started to cry.
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