My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.
dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?
what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
Party priorities: alcohol > girls > music > cups > decorations
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
I'm not embarrassed about the lap dance. I'm embarrassed for the singing during.
Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.
I think it may of been me pulling down my pants is why she walked away.
Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
Convinced if I was being murdered in my house no one would come and save me. If no one heard my 10000000 orgasms last night, there is no hope.
Randomize
