Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
we were having sex in the shower and he dropped me. try explaining THAT to your concerned little brother
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Have you ever seen a porn where they were playing bluegrass in the background?
Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time
Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night
It's a sign that no dudes december is about to start: I have a yeast infection.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
