didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
She brought an overnight bag to my party. Might as well have shown up wearing only a thong and a bottle of whip cream in her hand.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Next time I see you, remind me to tell you how I fell through my attic door and landed on my feet in the garage on the first floor.
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Omg I literally just wanna sleep with you right now. Like actual sleep. Not sex. Well maybe. But sleep first
Just almost drowned myself in the shower again. I need an adult.
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
The last time we went to a costume party, you walked around in a loincloth with a cross and said you were Jesus. I'm eager to see how much more offensive you can be.
Randomize
