Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
She said "You blew my mind last night." and I said "nah, I just blew my load." and her mom heard.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
I have the perfect view of a sexy blonde in yoga pants stretching from the shoulder press machine. I'll be here all night. So glad I came high.
Ur here with me in spirit. Now run free. Run free
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
Pants off. Spirits lifted.
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
The old guy next door tried to get me to go to his apartment for shots formoonshine. =-0
If that weren't so sketchy I would encourage it
Yeah it was almost as sketchy as a white panel van pulling up offering candy
I bought a box of wine on my way home. I figured if I’m going to be broke during the holidays, I might as well be able to drink about it.
currently working on a look that screams, "I'm dead inside, but still trying to enjoy the ride"
I got stabbed with a couple of chip crumbs during sex Saturday. Further proof I need to stop eating snacks in bed
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
