I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
There's a picture of you on facebook laying in the street with 3 cops standing over you after you faceplanted off that guy's shoulders.
Is that what happened to my face?!
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
Randomize
