oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.
you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
That's the first time you've ever said the L word without referring to drinking or partying.
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
You picked up her frozen vom puddle and threw it like a frisbee.
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
I just need to drink whiskey get off and eat some cheese. Why is that so fucking hard for god to deliver.
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I don’t know whether to call out sick or call in drunk
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
She woke up, mumbled "the trees" When i asked her what about them, she yelled "WE NEED THEM FOR OXYGEN," Then went back to sleep.
We need to get on her level.
Randomize
