I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
he kept refering to his penis as the "eternal sunshine"
He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.
I won
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
Listen I'm a sentimental character under all this alcohol and ratchetry
As a gentleman, I asked her if she was sure and she just whispered "wreck me" in my ear. I took that as a green light.
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
I just remembered I casually gave you a tour of the house after we boned...lol
Randomize
