You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
I accidently showed a girl my balls already today. Made me think of you.
I'll hold a taco with my boobs for you
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
He told me my car had really nice leather seats right before he jizzed all over them.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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