You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
He burst into tears while I was blowing him. NEVER giving a bj for a graduation present again.
I think she was eating a cup of ramen noodles while we banged, or had a seizure
I actually don't know if I can stand up. I just know better than to try
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I legit had a 15 minute convo about dinosaurs with a guy at the bar last night cuz he was wearing a jurassic park shirt
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
Well that's what you get for messing around with her vagina. I told you it was a fickle and insatiable creature.
There has been a song made about you fucking his roommate.
It's destiny.
Forget about letting a 70-year-old man suck on my tits for coke... telling my new boyfriend about it was the poor life choice.
Randomize
