you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
this homeless guy just told me to make a wish on his magic plastic spoon but said to be careful what i wish for...
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
I honestly don't know if ill make it through the next two hours. The hangover is strong with this one.
Are you having sex right now? Or is the apt just swaying rhythmically on its own? Either way, awesome.
I would not be watching the debate if there wasn't drinking involved. Let's be honest.
Not after That Night. No. I hate tequila. And it hates me. Very mutual hateship going on.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
But at least i made friends with the nice lesbian cop. She knew i was her kind when she had to confiscate my rainbow/pride rolling papers.
Hows your mom
Shes good, she claims she wasnt drunk
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
When you're as high as I am right now brushing your teeth is both magical and fucking terrifying
Randomize
