We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
So... i mean if they do have cameras in his apartment buildings pool room atleast we gave them a little show.
She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
I just woke up and my mouth tastes like I licked the bathroom floor in the last ghetto bar we were in. I'm going to get my mouth checked for chlamydia. Do I see a dentist for that?
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Found my underwear in a solo cup. That about sums up this weekend.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
I have invented a new game to play on campus. It's called "Mormons or Pledges?" It's fantastic.
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
I may or may not of seen my high school physics teacher making out with my old high school boyfriend at the bar last night
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
I'm waiting for you in a manthong right now.
That chick keeps sending eggplant emojis
Welcome to dating in the digital age. Better catch up now that you’re divorced
and eggplant is code for penis. It means she’s DTF. Go get her tiger!!!
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