Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?
My dad just walked in on me screwing the chick from the bar...the look of relief on his face was sort of hurtful.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
He wanted to put Kesha on after he came in my mouth. I had to draw some sort of trashy, gay line.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
You were passed out in the OutBack Bowl Shrimp costume and when we asked you wtf happened you just said On Wisconsin.
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
My room looks so cute. Who wouldn't want to hook up with me in here?
I can empathize with sociopaths, serial killers, demons, gods, and monsters....straight white males are literally the only barrier to my 100% empathy rate. I don't get it.