dude i woke up to 20 missed calls from you, 3 from a blocked number and had 13 voicemails that all said "send me a picture of your tits."
so im guessing thats a no.....
I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
People Are Arguing Over This Guy’s Petty Reaction To Splitting Lunch With His Co-Worker
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
Puked in my laptop case in the middle of my nutrition class.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Girl Logs Into Twitter Only To Find Out Her Dad Is Trending For The Most Outrageous Reason
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
Well my ankle is fucked up, everytime it pops I have a reminder of $200. Jager bomb night and the day we began to rebuild our friendship.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Is it weird to smoke a bong with a client from work?