i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
The crowing achievement of my life is still the time I made a 3 course meal out of things I found in the dumpster.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.
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His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'm sitting in the corner at the bar with a poolstick in case a brawl breaks out. Some crazy shit is going down and I'm trying to show my feathers like a horny peacock.
Your penis chewing exercise is not working
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
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Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
I'll have you know my trust issues and my daddy issues are two COMPLETELY different topics of conversation.
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
No, and she still hasn't answered me...I get a whole series of text messages about Guatemalan anal bleaching but no fucking answer to my question.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium