Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Margaritas ran out of lime juice. Substituted Jaeger. Jaegerita not good.
when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up
My ATM looks so different sober.
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
Wat day did I have sex in my sleep? I just made a Dr appt for Friday and I want to talk to her about it
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
All you need is a handful of lube and an open mind