I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
He gave me a hug and said "He doesn't deserve you, Anna. Your boobs are great, and I'd fuck you anytime. Any. Place." I need a new 'gay' friend.
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The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Well, most of my extended family doesnt know about my love for the penis, so they dont have a reason to disown me
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Also, it was so cold in that bathroom that I saw my crap steaming, a first in my life
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
You drunk-dialed me and asked me to describe my burrito
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
His exact words: "I don't have anything you can't treat with antibiotics."
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