The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis
He threw a goldfish cracker into my toilet and then proceeded to laugh for 32 minutes. I timed it.
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Now that world cup is done, funneling out of a vuvuzela has lost its fun
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.
Can't even walk I haven't tried talking but I probably can't do that either
We could have casual sex if you want. But I can't offer a bromance to a woman.
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
My hair tie broke, stole my one-night stands daughters pink sparkly one. BEST hair-tie I have ever used...
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
Randomize
