I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
Then they all walked away with the drinks I bought them, and the fat one slapped me in the face. I left and my car had been towed. Worst night ever.
I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights
I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
You went to a drug deal in a onesie.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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