Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
The last two calls in my phone are dominos and 911. I'm not sure how my night went.
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
Hundreds of bug bites..Dad jokingly says "looks like you passed out naked in the woods somewhere"
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
I've got my wine, though it wasnt very good so I threw a sour patch kid in it
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
I just lectured my ex boyfriend on how to eat a girl out what has my life come to
I just timed my pee with a stop watch. From when the main stream started to ended. It was 45.1 seconds. This is the truth trust me.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
you should come have a drink with me (non alcoholic or otherwise) im at the same bar as your sister and a few guys that would apparently "lick your butthole"-congratulations
Like how do you live your life and have never made a grilled cheese? The audacity of some people
Randomize
