insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am
I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.
I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.
Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.
I dont think a "sorry ive slept with most of your teammates" text will do much
In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
Wanna show up on a guy's doorstep and punch him in the balls for me? At least this one isn't a cop.
I'd just like to formally thank you for the size of your dick. The gods must really love you.
We have a great relationship based on communication, sex, and mutual loathing.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
I just used an Amazon gift card from a student to order a new vibrator....teacher of the year
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
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