My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
So I'm cool with the whole break up, but it sure is a shame we didn't get to use those handcuffs.
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
I'm stoned in an empty parking lot listening to dave matthews while looking for a lighter.... I feel like I sent this 7 years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
he tried to catch his projectile vomit...then went back to beer pong
Just hit a cone using a lit sparkler. Tastes like I might die but it was magical.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Standing straight up with intensity he came in his own mouth. I know this because he showed me the video from five different angles when asked if I would like him to demonstrate. And I did.
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