I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.
i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends
Don't get me wrong, I love talking about lube and such, but why are we?
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
I spent $31 at mcdonalds last night. Threw my nuggets all over the yard, ate them out of the snow, picked a fight about it, vomited, then passed out.
Naked.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Who the fuck puts glitter on their vagina? It’s all over my face and crotch.
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