So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
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sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
If you don't ever hear from me again, just know that I loved you
Jesus Christ that's like a real possibility
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
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When he swipes my v card it will be comparable to my bat mitzvah. should I make sweatshirts or sweatpants?
Life update - currently drunk off my ass in the yoga room of SFO at 5:30 in the morning.
I have no inclination to even want to think about what God's existential meltdown is going to be like. O.o
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
after that bj i gave him, i could fucking punch his mom and he wouldn't give a shit
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