Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over
is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.
Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men
Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
I always knew I would be boring and die in an Uber.
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
