At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
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worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
i woke up completely naked except for a bottle of beer saran wrapped in between my boobs
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
We had sex during an intermission, then the second period. The bruins better win. Missing a period isn't worth having sex with him
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
You have a penis. Therefore everything you say is automatically wrong.
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