i think 'regret' was last night's theme. i could taste it in my mouth and woke up next to it.
I just got wrote up for "repeatedly smelling like alcohol"
That was long passed due.
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS
We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
No im just getting a road beer. You got my pants?
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
The dude at Coffee Bean just handed me my tea latte and whispered, "pomegranate blueberry is such a sexy flavor". With a wink. I'm almost certain that there's an STD floating around in my drink.
Balls deep in an Orange is the New Black marathon. Bring food and drugs.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Cat needed to get out last night. Walking to the door was too much effort so I encouraged (pushed) him to leave via window.
Isn't your room on the second floor?
Uh oh. Put down the vodka cancel the clowns and get rid of the donkey
Randomize
