Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
My mom said that if she can come this weekend, she'll buy the weed.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Thank you for not boning my boss.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
If I had an Australian accent I'd be unstoppable. Teach me how you talk
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
Hey, before I head out, whats your policy on casual drug use and one night stands?
she said a prayer for the pipe you broke. she did the sign of the cross and everything
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