the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
you never know, standards drop, they turn gay, shit happens.
I just got hard thinking about a crunch wrap. Im done
This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
i was staring at her drunk thinking "shes at least a four"
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
This bar smells like your ball sack. In a weird way I miss you.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
