Thanks for the three minutes of sex tonight.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
Is it because I queefed?
they just started filling water ballons with vodka.
on my way.
What ever happened to the whole 'innocent until proven guilty' thing. Like 'not pregnant until proven pregnant'. That's how it should be...
its sad im about to start saving up for how drunk i need to be for the holidays
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex
I dressed up as a breathalyzer test for Halloween; never had so many straight dudes blow me before!
yea plus he's gonna be wearing his gumby costume so that'll take a lot of pressure off too
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Yeah I blacked out in a wiener costume.... I think I'm ready to come home now.
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Btw, you owe me. One (1) orgasm.
Randomize
