alone in the kitchen at 4 am eating a hotdog.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
Overheard a drunk girl talk about how when she's drunk she believes in more than one God
Riddle me this: I can stream porn just fine but try and watch my college class and nooo it won't work
Be there in 4 minutes
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Im selling my dirty underwear to pay for that cruise. NO JUDGEMENT . I love you lol ❤❤ also dont tell anyone
when she didn't finish her burrito you wanted to call the cops because you said it was neglect
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