can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
I showered today. Officially upgrading myself to useless.
Just burped. Tasted like beer and cherios...Beerios. This is gonna be quite a day.
I swear to god if he wasnt on the fourth floor balcony and I wasn't to drunk to climb I would kill him
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Escorted out of jimmy johns because I refused to leave with my dog. Stole a loaf of bread on the way out.
I found three vicadin and a pint of fireball with the note. In case of emergency drink me under their sink.
alicia just called me and talked to me in "the eternal language of the dinosaurs" and then kind of roared and gurgled. what kind of 4th of july are you guys having?
the boozy kind. is there any other?
I don't even remember what he looks like. All I know is he's 6 foot 100. I like that.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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