Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.
my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.
The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
in your professional opinion, what's the most elegant way of saying "sorry I spent all night flirting with you, I thought you were gay" ?
i woke up fully clothed with teenage dream on repeat. something is wrong with me
All of a sudden he got that look on his face and ran to the dance floor and started fist pumping to Rihanna that kind of night
It was a successful conference for my sales and my sex life. Those are probably related
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
she was all excited about us being eskimo sisters and then i was just like "alyssa i've literally been inside of you" and she got even more excited
Randomize
