i fell asleep last night with fifteen animal crackers in my mouth. rock bottom dude.
you might get a letter about the baby you put in me. i was mad when i sent it.
So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss
So when are we having a sleepover?
We owe the rent and you're unemployed...you're in no financial position to flirt with cocaine addiction.
Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
Damn it. If you ever throw me again, take video.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
Interesting, I was always told to run away from crazy, but you seem to think we should run towards them dick first.
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
