It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
He held me the entire night. Not endearing kind of way. Like kidnapping or held hostage kind of way.
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
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Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?
I don't even fuck like that, he just happened to be in the right place at the right drunk.
just used my amazon order history to figure out my anniversary. I am the most epic/shittiest bf ever...
Sometimes you have a glimmer of a heart and then I immediately remember you are dead inside.
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
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I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
We used to bone, but now she's my life coach.
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
Moms love me. I'm the reminder that they need to turn safe search on.
Just once, I'd like to make it to my first wedding anniversary for a change.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
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