Let's get naked and see who's stronger.
Saw a guy smoking a cig holding it with a fork and driving WTF?
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
can I come stay the night
yeah, but no sex tonight
I'll stay home
I made the jerking off hand motion to my mother by accident this morning. It was awkward for everyone involved.
HE BEAT A GUY WITH NOTHING BUT RAZZLE DAZZLE AND HIS FABULOUSNESS
I just realized my hands still smell like your cock. Which is awesome, but I wonder if the clerk at the store appreciated it.
I feel bad. I'm the reason hand sanitizer exists.
When did we go from stumbling drunk into an ER at 3am to dinner double dating?
I REALLY NEED TO STOP CELEBRATING THAT FUCKING HOLIDAY
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
Listen, I just paid for a hotel room, so I didn't have to have sex in his car. I'm adulting successfully.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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