I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
My grandmass entire neighborhood is over for dessert and i'm high as fuck...about to make a couple of freshman boys real uncomfortable
Freshman in high school? Just your type
why does hillary duff have a greatest hits album?
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love
You left me a voice message at 5 a.m. It was mostly incoherent noise, you screaming my name and then something about a man with two butt holes...
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Last night was good. Things got bad when I found a sledge hammer.
Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
You just kept yelling GET YOUR SKATES ON, BITCHES. WE'RE GOING STREAKING.
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
